Day 1: A New Beginning, aka, I Am Just a Speck of Dust Inside a Giant's Eye.

Oh blog. How many days has it been? I don't know. But no one's awake to talk to me except the person I want to vent about, so I need an outlet.

I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I hate to say that I've been the stereotypical self absorbed teenager, but I have been. I have concerned myself so much with my appearance, what I'm doing this weekend, my relationship, and other fruitless little trivialities that I don't do anything productive.
This just seals it.
I don't want to be this way anymore.
I don't want to stay up all night anymore just for the point of talking to a boyfriend who doesn't understand me as much as I think.
I don't want to do things just for myself anymore.
I don't want to be a self indulgent college student anymore.

I want something else.

I flew for the first time six days ago. And it was amazing, I loved it.
But lifting off from the ground, and watching as the world shrunk to pinpricks of light and miniscule buildings and ribbons of road reminded me how small I am in this world, and how much there is out there. And how I may feel like I'm limited, like all I need to concern myself with are my family in Coweta, and my college in Oklahoma City and my boyfriend in Korea, that that's all that is supposed to matter in my life. Maybe it is. But I don't want it to.
How many nights in college did I stay up all night, talking to my boyfriend when I should have been doing work? How many events did I miss because I was sleeping due to the all nighters? How many opportunities did I miss due to my own frivolity?
I've been selfish.
I don't want to be anymore.

How do I start? Do I dare start?

Day 185: How about...

I stop whining about my relationship and actually focus on something else? Hmmm?


Like...Stephen King books. In the last week, finished the 1,121 (in e-book form) page monstrosity that was Duma Key and am 200+ pages into Everything's Eventual. Soooo...I kinda wanna start keeping up with the books/stories I have and haven't read. Let's go!

NOVELS

Bag of Bones       Read 752

Carrie       Read 272

Cell               Read 449

Cujo               Read 400

Dreamcatcher               Read 684

Duma Key       Read 607

The Eyes of the Dragon       Read 427

Gerald's Game       Read 332

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon  Read         264

IT               Read      1104

Misery               Read 370

Needful Things       Read 800

Pet Sematary       Read 576

The Shining       Read 497

The Tommyknockers       Read 752

Total: 8,286

'Salem's Lot Started

Dolores Claiborne Started

Rose Madder Started

The Talisman Started

Under the Dome Started

11/22/63 Unread

Black House Unread

Christine Unread (I think)

The Colorado Kid Unread

Cycle of the Werewolf Unread

The Dark Half Unread

The Dark Tower series Unread

The Dead Zone Unread

Desperation Unread

Firestarter Unread

From A Buick 8 Unread

The Green Mile series Unread

Insomnia Unread

Lisey's Story Unread

The Plant Unread

The Stand Unread

STORY COLLECTIONS

Night Shift Read 316

Nightmares & Dreamscapes Read 897

Skeleton Crew Read 576

Total: 1,789

Everything's Eventual In progress

Hearts in Atlantis Started

Just After Sunset Started

Different Seasons Started (Read one of the stories)

Four Past Midnight Started (Read one of the stories)

Full Dark, No Stars Unread

Stephen King Goes to the Movies Unread

TOTAL PAGES (not counting partially read books): 10,075

And just for fun...how many movies?

THEATRICALLY RELEASED

Carrie         Seen

Cujo         Seen

Dreamcatcher         Seen

Graveyard Shift         Seen

Misery                 Seen

Pet Sematary         Seen

Secret Window         Seen AND LOVE!

Shawshank Redemption Seen

The Shining         Seen

Sleepwalkers         Seen

Christine Seen some

The Green Mile Seen some

The Mangler Seen some

Riding the Bullet Seen some

Stand By Me Seen some

1408 Seen some

Apt Pupil Unseen

Cat's Eye Unseen

Children of the Corn Unseen

Creepshow Unseen

Creepshow 2 Unseen

The Dark Half Unseen

The Dead Zone Unseen

Dolores Claiborne Unseen

Firestarter Unseen

Hearts in Atlantis Unseen

Maximum Overdrive Unseen

The Mist         Unseen

Needful Things Unseen

The Night Flier Unseen

The Running Man Unseen

Silver Bullet Unseen

Tales from the              Unseen

  Darkside

Thinner         Unseen

MADE FOR TV

Rose Red         Seen

Desperation         Seen some

Nightmares & Dreamscapes Seen some

Sometimes They Come Back Seen some

The Tommyknockers         Seen some

Salem's Lot miniseries Unseen

The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer Unseen

IT                 Unseen

The Langoliers miniseries Unseen

Quicksilver Highway         Unseen

Storm of the Century         Unseen

Geez. Seeing this reminds me of how much of an amazing and prolific writer Stephen King is and how much of an inspiration he is. If I ever decide to give into this itching I have to become a writer just maybe...

Idk. Anyways. Lots read and much more to read and see! Goal for the summer possibly...read all of Steven King's published fictional works and the theatrically released and made for tv movies. 

Yay :)

Day Whatever: Friend or no friend...

If my boyfriend likes his "familiar acquaintance's" status, alleging that "some man's body could meet her body, if he wants it he can get it in her sex room", I will not be happy.

Because this comes after having to question their relationship and her leaving a questioning comment after a comment of mine on his status.

For him to like that status would be completely inappropriate.

But I guess we'll see what happens...

Day No Clue

Why do I only write in this when I'm sad?
I don't know.

Why is it that it seems my worst fear is always on the verge of coming true?

There's always going to be other people who understand his life now better than I do and they see him every day when I can't.

What can I do about it?

I hate crying.

Day 151: 5 Months

Why doesn't it ever start to feel any better?

I hate crying. It's the most useless display of emotion ever.

Day 145: Two Days

Until 20 months.
And I'm gonna post a Facebook status about it.
I wonder if anyone rolls their eyes if/when they notice I celebrate every month that Son and I are together, at least by mentioning it.
I guess it's just that when you're so far apart for so long, every month that passes is like another small accomplishment.
My latest decision has given me something to work for I think. I just think to myself that I just have to make it to December and everything will be better. I'll be right where I want to be for the rest of my life.

But right now...I just want to be home. :/

Day 143: Oh, You Life-Altering Decisions, You...

Here's what I have decided. I am an adult. I am no longer a child/teenager, whatever.
As a kid, you do what your parents tell you (for the most part) and generally go along with your wishes.
Eventually though, it comes time to put your big girl undies on and make your first controversial "grown up" decision. I suppose for others, this may be their choice in college or something, or in Brie's case it's deciding to live with Ran against what is most likely her parents' wishes.
Welllllll...I'm not going to say what mine is, because honestly it's a rather big decision and while I am possibly perfectly positive about it, I still don't feel comfortable saying it until it become more definite of a possibility.
Let's just say this.
In the ten total months that Son and I have been apart, I have come to realize that I love him as much as I'm ever going to love anyone, that if we can make it through being 7000 miles apart for six months at a time we can make it through anything, and I'm simply not happy when I'm not with him.
I talked it over with Tori before I actually talked it over with him and she agrees with my reasoning.
I talked it over with him just now and he wants the same things I do, and I think it can work.
So let's do this.

I was discussing this with Tori and while waiting for her to finish typing her response, I clicked Stumble on my favorites bar. This graphic popped up and this was the quote on it:
"expect the best, be prepared for the worst, fuck what others think, and do your own thing"

A sign? I think so.

Day 130: Rachel Johnson, Sexpert Extraordinaire.

New title. I should start signing my emails as such.
Fun fun fun day, yesterday.
Well I suppose it started the night before. Brie and I pulled a late nighter, which began as an ALL nighter, but didn't happen. I hung out with her in her room until around three and then went to my room to sleep.
I stayed up until fourish then went to sleep. Woke up at 9:20ish for Art History, couldn't find my ID and just said screw it and laid back down and went back to sleep. Slept until about three (!) then dawdled around until 5 when Native American Campus Ministry started.
Food was super yummy, there was spaghetti (yum!), lasagna (not so yum...it had bell peppers in it. yuck.), garlic bread (alright, I have a love-hate relationship with garlic bread...), salad (alright, I suspect there was peppers here too), lemon squares, cookies, and brownies (all yum!), and Dr. Pepper!
I pretty much stuffed myself on yummy food, then met up with Jen, Kalyn, Blue, Monica and then Dinah to go to OU to have our joint event with their GDP chapter. It was their adult event which meant...SEXPERTS!
Yes yes, two OU students who are trained in answering questions and explaining things of a sexual nature and flopping dildos around.
Surprisingly, or rather...unsurprisingly, lol, I already knew a lot of the answers to their questions. Such as how fast the average man ejaculates (25 mph! I think I read it somewhere), what lube to use with latex condoms (water-based or silicon-based. Never oil-based!), how long the average penis is (6 1/2 inches), how to put on a condom, the different types of birth control (pill, shot, diaphragm, IUD, condom, female condom, etc), and all kinds of fun stuff! I won a green condom and lube for the lube question!
Haha, it was great, they had a dildo named Seymour and a fake vagina named Audrey, and at the end they asked who knew what musical they were named for and I said, "Audrey, Seymour...oh, Little Shop of Horrors!" and they gave me the "treasure chest" a little clear box with a Durex notepad, condoms, and lubes in it. It was great, I came back and showed Corey and she said "It just had to be MY little!"
I can't wait to tell mom. She'll be so proud.
Anyways. Have a Critical Thinking paper due today. Hung around Walker with Jalisa, Corey and Lindsey until around two. By that time my laptop was ready to die and my head was hurting too bad to keep writing so I went back to Banning. I took two ibuprofens and tried to keep writing, but my head still hurt too much. So I laid down and closed my eyes, waiting for it to go away and to my surprise I actually began drifting off. I was surprised, since I had slept all day, but it was good that I could actually sleep.
I hadn't talked to Son pretty much at all in the last couple of days, since he's on his field mission thingy, so I decided I wanted to talk to him. So I woke up enough to set my alarm for five and then made myself comfortable enough to go to sleep.
And I woke up and talked to him! About random things, and worked on my paper a bit at the same time. Eventually though, he decided to go to sleep and I pouted when he said it and made myself laugh. lol.
Finished my paper, it's pretty good I suppose. It's over the morning after pill, and I'm not too sure about my conclusion but it's all good I suppose. Point is, it's done and pretty good.
I'm sitting at breakfast now, polished off a bowl of yogurt and strawberries and granola (yum! I missed it!) and a glass of cran-grape juice. Just waiting to go to Critical Thinking.
Wow! I guess I was feeling more talkative than I thought.
Or maybe I'm just in a writing mood. :)

Lately...I've really begun to wonder why I'm not an English major or minor...

Day 129: BABIES! BABIES EVERYWHERE!

Seriously...everywhere I turn, someone's either pregnant or has a baby or there's baby clothes or wipe warmers (did you know they make wipe warmers???).
Really?
The worse has probably been when I was in Shawnee with Rae and someone was there with a THREE-WEEK-OLD little Indian baby girl. Awwww :/ All tiny with lots of sticky-uppy black hair...
It made me think.
I really want a baby.

And surprisingly, looking at the newborn clothes at Wal-mart kinda doesn't help.

I honestly wouldn't mind having one now. I've helped raise three little sisters, one of which was born when I was 13. I know more than a lot of girls who have had girls around my age or younger. Ever notice that? That all the girls who have kids around the ages 14-16 are all the youngest kids in their family?
I have. Maybe I'll do a study over it someday.
But really.
If I got pregnant now, or even when I'm closer to being done with college, it would be everyone ELSE'S worst dream come true. My parent's, Son's parent's, my family, his family...
They would think of my baby as an accident, even though she or he wouldn't be.
If I could just not care about what they think or not care about what they would say, I would get married now.
And live with my husband now.
And have a baby.

But I can't.
It's just that simple.

Day 124: Now I know...

...that every relationship has it's problems. I know. Really I do.
BUT WHY CAN'T MY RELATIONSHIP HAVE OTHER PEOPLE'S "PROBLEMS"?
I mean, I wish the biggest problem with my relationship was that my boyfriend watched American Idol instead of talking to me on the phone.
Or that we spend "too much" time together.
Or that we're going to have to go a whole week without seeing each other.

REALLY.
Ugh.
I mean, I don't want to be a baby about it, but I kinda wish more people would think before they complain about these things to me.
I mean, come on. I only spend six months at a time without my boyfriend. My boyfriend is only 7,000 miles away from me at the moment.
Take your problems somewhere else.

122 Days: Valentine's Day!

The aftermath.
Ahhh. I honestly feel like this was the best Valentine's Day I possibly could have hoped for without my SonnyBunnyBunches being here.
Before the holiday even started, my family was here, so that was fun. We watched one of my new favorite movies (Despicable Me) and I got to sleep and cuddle with my Juli-bug.
Then, on Sunday, Brie and I went to see Sixteen Candles in theaters, then had Alvin's.
Last night, she and I went to Ted's Escondidos, which was good, but honestly, Papa Poblanos in Broken Bow is quite comparable.
Then we met up with Carmen and ended up going to Denny's at midnight, until 3 AM.
Then tonightttt...was just amazing.
In bullet form:

• Got dressed up all pretty in my purple dress!
• Was escorted arm-in-arm by a DAX boy
• Had my chair pulled out for me
• Was served cheesecake and sparkling grape juice
• Was serenaded, in English and Spanish, and read a poem
• Slow danced! 
• And fast danced! Seriously, I danced like Shakira. haha

I love the DAX boys. They are amazing.
Then, after I had danced the Electric Slide, the Cupid Shuffle, the Cha-cha, a waltz, the Charleston, some random swing movements, the washing machine...oh my gosh, it was awesome. Anyways, after all that, I went back to my room and changed, before convincing Carmen to come to Alvin's with me and the big to keep her from murdering someone.
Hung out at Alvin's for a bit, before going on a walk with Carmen and Brie. Which began as "ferocious" walk, almost became breaking and entering, then turned into therapy walk, which became hugging walk, before coming back to my room.
Anyways. Ridiculously fun.

Now to lay in my bed. Wish my love was getting off work soon. :(

Day 104: I Hate to Admit It...

...but I'm a girl.
Words on a screen don't do much for me. Even the letters I'd get once a week meant more, knowing that he took the time to write them and mail them.
Maybe it's not so much that they're words on a screen that I'll never see again, or if it's the fact that we have the technological capabilities to talk on the phone, or to see each other over Skype...
...and we don't.
But do I say this?
No.
Because if he's alright with just Facebook chat, I guess I can be too...

Even though I'm not.

:(

Day 96: Conclusion of the night...

...I just need to buy sleep meds and slip them to myself at around 9 o'clock every night.
That way I can sleep for eight or nine hours and still talk to that Joseph McHenry kid for ten minutes.
And not kill myself by trying to get by on an hour of sleep.
Or sleep through my classes.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh well. Who cares?
Not me.
*cue leg spasms*

Day 94: Not dead, just napping.

Twenty five days without a post. Geez. Told you I was horrible at this. Well. I don't feel like saying much because it is my naptime. But...for the record, I'm not dead.
Just floating.
Underneath the ink of my tattoo, I've tried to hide my scars from you.
Haha, I love Pink.
:)